How I used Tinder as a Personal Development Tool - DMH Podcast Ep 8

Hello, divine, messy humans.

Welcome back if you are a regular and if you are new to this podcast, welcome, I am so honored you're choosing to spend time with me.

I'm going to tell you a bit of a story today about how I use Tinder as a personal development tool. Now this isn't something I've ever heard from anybody else, but it really encompasses the journey that I took to go from an abusive, toxic and un-nourishing relationship into a loving, respectful and reciprocal one.

And, the journey definitely was not linear, I don't think any journeys in life are. But for two years after divorce, I chose to really deep dive on myself, I wanted to learn about my trauma patterns, I wanted to learn what was happening in my subconscious.

I was studying kinesiology and learning so much about the mind, body, spirit connection, about the subconscious programs that rule our lives, and so much about the emotions that were stuck in my body that were creating physical dis-ease and distress.

And, as I started to heal. It also started to really open me up to my spiritual side.

To be able to access this part of me that I remember as a child, but one that felt quite lost and relatively new, unexplored perhaps is a better word.

And in all of this. I was learning how to balance more my masculine and feminine aspects, those archetypal masculine and feminine, of course.

I was learning to actually nourish my feminine energy. Prior to even learning about feminine and masculine energy, I had been living in that masculine aspect, the striving, the doing the pushing, the needing to be right, there was a lot of toxic masculinity in there, and when I use that term, I'm talking about the wounded archetypical, toxic masculinity, not what people talk about out in other platforms.

There was this toxicity to my masculine, who... he needed to control, he needed to strive to prove that he was good enough. There was a lot of mindless doing because action equaled achievement.

And it was part of what got me sick was this constant moving forward and running away from those things that were creating pain in my life, those things that were not nourishing me, and I learned to start to turn towards those things that did nourish me.

I learned to turn towards my own health, my own spiritual practices, to be able to tap in to my internal world, rather than purely focused on that external world. And, I managed to grow so much in that process. I unpacked a lot of layers, I peeled a lot of those layers of onion, cried a lot, screamed a lot, and grew a lot.

I also laughed a lot through the process.

I don't think you can truly heal without laughter. There needs to be a levity, a fun, a wonder, an excitement about the progress that you are making towards the way that you want to be in the world.

And so my first two years were very much about that, it was me setting up my business and, becoming a single mum officially, even though I'd felt like one for years, it was officially, I was a single mum. And learning also to be without my children in that shared care arrangement, which was completely new to me because I hadn't had any real time without them, or not a lot of real time, without them prior to divorce.

So when I started to put myself out into the dating world, I was terrified. It was a place that I had not been for, it must've been around 14 or 15 years, maybe even longer, and so it was a completely new landscape.

The other thing was, I didn't go out a lot. I was studying, I was looking after my children, I was working on myself, I was building a business, and that took up most of my time.

So, I dipped my toe into online dating, and it was interesting, completely different from obviously dating in 2000 and 2001 when I had last been out on the dating scene, it wasn't about going to a pub and meeting a person, and having a chat, and going on dates.

So when I set my profile up, I set it up as an energetic container, because I knew that if I didn't have an online account, that my future partner would literally need to run into me with a Woolworths trolley or something similar, because I didn't really get out much. And when I did, I was focusing on my friends, and having fun and being with the people I was with, not on picking up.

There were a few things that I was working on along the way, which I didn't realize the importance of until much later in my journey, but I became very deliberate.

I worked on the belief system that my partner was out there. For a while there I doubted whether or not I would ever find anybody, and so I needed to work on a belief system that my partner was out there.

Now, that also then led into me working on the belief that if my partner was out there, he would be searching for me as much as I was searching for him, and I've worked through these beliefs with other people in clinic with clients, and it can be really powerful once people move from wondering whether or not their partner is even there to truly believing that they are there, and then to move into a true deep belief that if they are looking for their partner, their partner must also be looking for them.

And, it makes a massive difference to the outlook and to the communications that you're having with the people that you're chatting to, whether they are somebody you're interested in or not.

So, as I would put up my profile, I would then see the types of matches I was making, and then I would take whatever I was learning to my kinesiologist or one of the healers I was working with, to unpack why I was attracting what I was attracting.

So for example, when I was working on embodying my divine feminine, there were a lot of men out there who were wanting, not to share in that and to bask in that, but to dominate it. I became this prize, this possession, and I was attracting quite jealous men,, and quite dominant men. And I'm not saying that I want to submissive man or anything like that, but I didn't want that feeling of power over in a relationship.

So then I would take my profile down. I would go and have some more sessions. I would work on myself a bit more and then I would put my profile back up. And I would repeat this process.

So I would go out on a few dates, wonder why I was attracting what I was attracting, I would ask myself the question, what have I not healed in me that is attracting that?

How does the universe believe that we are a vibrational match for one another? How can I lift my vibrational qualities to enable somebody that to come in, that I can grow with, that I can love, and that I can respect, and whom I can gain that in exchange.

Now, the other thing I was working on, is I was making this big list... I was manifesting, I was writing down all of the qualities that I wanted, I was, oh, my goodness, it was pages front and back, all of these different things.

But all of a sudden the realization came to me that I was putting out a shopping list of things that I would like my potential partner to have.

And whilst manifesting is amazing and being really clear on what you're manifesting is great, during this process, I learned a really hard lesson. I had attracted a married man, and I had on my list emotionally available, I did not have single, so I became really clear on those intentions, and on what exactly it was that I was asking for.

But the thing that turned things around so much for me, was ditching the list.

There was a day that I realized that this list was just null and void. I wasn't going to sit there on a date and tick off a spreadsheet of what this person could offer me or not, and I started to realize that my paradigm of relationships needed to shift and change for me to find a successful and loving relationship to enter into.

And, I started to look at what did I offer in that relationship?

How could I show up?

What did I bring into the party?

How could I show up even when the honeymoon period was over, even in the middle of arguments, even in those darker, more tumultuous times, who did I want to be?

How did I want to be for the other person?

And, that then gave me more of a focus for the work I was already doing. I wasn't just doing the trauma repatterning, and the nervous system work, I was also doing manifestation, a lot of my healing was looking forward as well as glancing back to see what else needed to be shifted for me to take those next steps, but I wasn't stuck in looking at the past traumas, it became a real mix of both, which felt an incredible jump forward from where I'd been 12 months before.

And, it was really interesting all of a sudden one word dropped in, and it came in a few weeks after I burned the list, I have a, a safe, outdoor fire by the way, but I sent that list up in smoke, and a couple of weeks later the word reciprocity dropped into my head.

And that felt perfect. That entire list got reduced to one single word. And reciprocity for me meant that I would get back what I put in, and it would be roughly 50 50, it would be even knowing that there are some days I can give nothing and that they would need to do the heavy lifting, and that sometimes those days would be reversed and I would have to do the heavy lifting while they didn't put in anything.

But I wanted that general balance to be there. I didn't want to be the only person investing my time, energy, love, compassion, and all of those things that I invest into relationships. I didn't want it to be one sided, I'd had enough of those in my life. I wanted it to be reciprocal.

And, once that landed, everything changed. The people that I was coming across on social platforms were more respectful, and I was finding that I was wanting to treat them the way I would want to be treated.

So if I wasn't feeling a connection, I would message them and say, "Do you know, I am looking for my person on here and I'm just not feeling it with you, I really wish that you find everything that you're looking for and more and I'm hoping the same for me."

And, it was a way of me gracefully turning them down, now how they receive that is not my problem. What I would then do is give them 48 hours to read the message, and if they hadn't already unmatched with me, I would then unmatch with them.

And I found in that way, I was really honoring the person I was becoming, as well as honoring the person I was welcoming in.

I didn't want to mess around. I didn't want to have a placeholder relationship while I was waiting for my person to come in. And because I truly believed that he was looking for me as much as I was looking for him. There was an excitement when I'd start a chat, but also I knew deep in my bones that I would know when I met them.

There was one night, I still remember it was a Wednesday, and I got home from a really big emotional day in clinic. I had had some very traumatic clients, and lots of tears, lots of massive emotional shifts, and it was a beautiful honor to hold space for it, as it always is. I then run a women's circle in the evening.

And I got home absolutely exhausted, I poured a glass of red wine for my dinner and I rang my girlfriend, and I said, "oh my goodness. I have just had an epiphany. What I need above all else from a partner is that they can hold space for me after I've held space for everybody else all day." And I said to her, "you watch I'll have met him within the week."

And on that Tuesday morning, I started chatting to the man who I have now bought a house with, and I am now madly in love with.

Is everything always rosy? Of course not. We're humans, we're messy, we have our stuff to deal with still, and also it is a beautiful, reciprocal, respectful, loving relationship. And I remember walking into the place where we met for our first date, and instead of the initial reaction that I'd always had before, which was, "oh, it's not him. You've got to sit here and be polite, and have a drink", and all the rest of it.

I had this. "Oh my God. It's you".

And that feeling hit me like a ton of bricks. Now, obviously it took him a while to catch up, he wasn't quite so sure so early on, but I just had this deep cellular knowing, and I told myself that that would be the case. So part of my manifestation was show me when it's the one, let me feel it.

So I use all of my senses. I used all of my intuitive capabilities, and I wasn't just wishing for it. Wishful thinking, doesn't get us anywhere.

And, I think this is where sometimes that law of attraction version of manifesting doesn't always come to fruition, because we also need to put in inspired actions. We need to take actions towards our goals and our dreams. But the main things I want you to take away from this.

One is working on those belief systems. That are sitting behind your conscious mind. That are in your subconscious and unconscious, and fueling your behavior, to make sure that what you want is aligning with what you believe you can have, and what you, whether you believe you can have it.

Working on those belief systems changes the game, and getting super clear on what you want, and what you will allow yourself to fully and deeply welcome in also helps the universe know what to deliver for you.

So, my loves, I'm going to leave it there for now, ask me any questions you would like, I would love to answer them, more about the energetics or about how I manifested that beautiful relationship, whatever it is, reach out to me, and ask me the questions you need.

Remember, you are always connected to the divine, messiness is going to happen, and when you can accept and love and honor your divinity and your messiness, it makes your human existence so much easier.

Sending you all so much love until next time.