Boundaries and Standards - DMH Podcast Ep 7

Welcome divine, messy humans. 

So, I am always in the process of learning. Learning, unlearning, relearning, and repeating. 

You don't know what you don't know until you know differently. And, today I learned something pretty incredible, and it's about boundaries versus standards, and it put words to things that I have felt but that I have not yet been able to articulate. 

And I love this kind of stuff because I know that this is going to help me, and hopefully help you, grow, and evolve, and expand, and become lighter within yourself. 

So what is a boundary? A boundary is basically a line an edge a limit of behavior. 

And Prentis Hemphill describes a boundary as the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. 

It's interesting with boundaries, because I know for me, I didn't have any for a very, very long time. And, part of that was because I didn't feel worthy, I didn't know myself worth, and therefore I allowed other people to assess what was my worth, and then they dictated how they treated me. 

When I first started setting boundaries, I put in quite hard lines. It was no, you're not going to do this. No, that's not allowed with me. And, what we need to be able to do with our boundaries is one own our worth, know that we are worthy of them, be able to stand up for ourselves, which was something I could not do for years, and also have consequences for any breaches of the boundary which can be positive or negative depending on which boundary they're breaching, and who it is, and all the rest of it. 

I've found that when I first put in boundaries and they were those hard lines, I did then evolve to a place where the boundaries would shift and change depending on who it was, on my energy for the day, on my capacity for whatever it was that I was dealing with, and it's worked up till now. 

But a boundary is telling people what we do not want. Yes, it does say what's okay with us, but the main thing a boundary does is say, no, not that. Not that, I will not have that in my life. And that is really well and good we do need to understand that part of ourself. 

The thing I have learned now is that standards are a higher vibration tool than boundaries. 

Boundaries are often fear-based. They are to keep things out, to protect us, to have that wall between us and others. I find it a little bit like that protective mentality, where we want to keep the bad stuff out, rather than resilience, which comes from the idea that we can protect ourselves against anything that comes along. 

And the same way between protection and resilience is boundaries and standards. 

Standards are our expectations of our own behavior. How are we going to behave in different situations. I have standards of how I want my home kept, my children do not have the same standards, so I keep their bedroom doors closed because I don't want their standards encroaching on my space and in my energy field. 

Standards of engagement need to be set before we set our boundaries, we need to hold ourselves to account, and that can be really tricky if we're still stuck in that trauma space. 

But the other thing about standards is they are fully within my power and they are about me. 

One of the main standards that I know I changed, and I was quite conscious of it, even though I didn't have the language for it, was that when I started looking for a new partner, post divorce, I knew that if anybody treated me the way my ex husband had that I would not allow that into my life. I was going to keep myself safe. I was not going to allow myself into another emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship. 

I set that standard for myself. And it came from a sense of worth, knowing that nobody deserves to be in an abusive relationship, nobody. So, why did I allow that in. 

That was me setting a standard. I was never, and will never, be in that situation where I will be abused within my own home ever again, and that doesn't matter who it is. 

That is a real standard and I will not drop below that. 

Standards are yes. They are a big yes. To ourself, to our needs, to our desires, to our wants. Instead of a no, which is the boundary, the protective mechanism. 

And, the other thing that I find with standards versus boundaries, is standards is self accountability, whereas boundaries, are those things that we don't want. 

Standards are for me set in stone. They are less movable, and malleable than my boundaries are, because what I will accept when it comes to boundaries is a little bit different depending on the amount of sleep I've had, what I've eaten, how I'm feeling, all of that side of things. So, how else can this show up in our lives? 

Standards are the way that we can inform ourselves about how we feel about ourselves at a really deep level. What do we deserve? What do we deserve to receive? What do we deserve to experience? What are we just not going to fall below as our standard? 

I have certain standards of the work that I want to put out into the world. I have certain standards of the way that I want to appear when I see my clients. I have standards of dress, and they aren't boundaries because they are within my control. They are things that I make choices in. And choices are so much higher vibration than the lack of choice, or the no choice aspect that we so often fall into. 

So, how do boundaries and standards play out in your life? How can you differentiate? 

When we've come from a place of trauma and we've allowed other people to assess our worth and to dictate our treatment, which is pre boundaries, then learning about boundaries, and evolving into a place where we say, no, that's not okay by me. No, you need to keep that distance. 

That is a really important step in the journey, and then, as we evolve past boundaries becomes standards where we hold ourself to account for the way that we are treated, for the way that we are, and interacting, with the external world, and it is such a powerful place to be. 

And, now that I have language for this, I can see it so much in my own life. How I do hold myself to account, how I am fully self responsible for what is happening in my life. And yes, there are still things outside my control, there always will be, but I still have certain ways that I will behave to make sure that the basics in my life, and the things that I can control I am controlling within my behavior. 

Standard's also set a line, because it is about us, that is non-judgmental towards others. 

Just because I have these standards doesn't mean that you need to have the same standards. The way that I dress is not the way that you dress. The way that I keep my home may not be the way that you keep your home. And that's all okay. We can all have our own sets of standards, without judging other people for theirs. I have certain standards about when I will stop drinking coffee, because it doesn't affect me. Well, whether I drink caffeinated or decaffeinated, I have standards on how many glasses of wine I'm allowed to have before I cut myself off and don't allow anymore. 

I have standards about all sorts of different things, but they're all within my control. And, when other people don't live up to my standards, it's not about them or me, because there's no judgment attached. 

It's how I want to live my life. It's how I want to show myself to the world, whether people are watching or not, and I think that's the key with standards as well, these are, parts of ourself that we hold, even when no one's looking, even when no one's watching. 

It's how we want to show up in the world. It's how we do show up in the world. 

And so as you evolve through your healing journey, play with it, make sure you're working through the trauma that is pre boundary work, of course, because we want everyone to have the self worth to know that they deserve to be loved, and respected, and cared for, but also, we need to know that we can love respect and care for ourself, and see where you're at in your journey. 

Are you mostly operating from a boundaried perspective where there are walls up, where there are standards of behavior on other people, because a boundary often says you cannot behave like that towards me, which is also okay, because some people will not listen to standards, or boundaries. And so, sometimes you need both. 

But I love looking at things in the highest vibration possible. Because the more we raise our vibration, the more we are that rock in the pond that sends the ripples out, showing other people. It is walking our walk and talking our talk. 

We can't talk about being a light being if we are not standing in our own light and accepting our own light, and standing in a place with less judgment for others about how they are behaving, but showing through our actions and words aligning that this is what we are doing with our life, this is how we are operating, this is what we expect. 

And it doesn't impact other people's lives, our standards, it's only the boundaries that are between us and others. 

So, I'm going to leave you with that today. Let me know how it landed. Let me know how it resonates. 

And don't forget, you are always connected to the divine. The more we love and embrace our messiness, the easier our human existence becomes, and that being a divine, messy human is all we can ever hope to be. 

Sending you love.