The Energetics of Narcissistic Relationships - DMH Podcast Ep 3

Hello, divine, messy humans.

Today's topic is about the relationship between empaths and narcissists. Now there is so much information out there about these types of relationships, but what really helped me in my understanding was looking at the way that the narcissist comes about energetically. It's a really fascinating thing.

If you think of the parent as a big light shining. And the child as the receiver of the light. That parent shines a light unapologetically and unflickering at the child. The child has this golden child type complex of believing in their perfection, or if they don't believe in their perfection, there is a big ego that is grown because of this unending light source.

In a normal relationship between a parent and child what would happen if the child misbehaved or if there was an argument or disconnection of some sort, the light would flicker. And what that does is it gives the child an opportunity to find a way to create light within themselves.

The narcissist doesn't get that opportunity because the light from the parent is unending. It is always there. It's that, "look at my child. Aren't they perfect? Aren't they wonderful?"

There is a constant energy being invested in that child.

In this, that narcissistic child who is developing those behaviors of believing in their perfection, believing that their ego deserves to be stroked and needs to be stroked, and building that delusion about how wonderful they are and how perfect they are, at the center is a really deep seeded insecurity and lack of self worth.

And what that comes from is because even though they are the center of this parents' world and that light is never ending they still ultimately know that the parent is the one that is the center of the universe. And if you look at a relationship between a narcissist and their parent that has created those behavior patterns, you can often see it very, very clearly.

There is this, "my child can do no wrong" from the parent. But also "Worship me, adore me. I am the parent, I gave birth to you" -I am needing to be that central force. So this narcissist has this massive ego, but also this deep seeded insecurity that no matter what they do, they will never be center of the universe.

And it's a really interesting, energetic pattern.

What happens then because this narcissist can't create their own internal light they look for a bright, shiny person to go into a love relationship with.

And that bright, shiny person draws them in like a flame for moths.

And the narcissist then uses their light source to energise themselves, rather than again, creating that light source from internally. However, the light source that the narcissist chooses often also has some form of deep seeded insecurity, lack of worthiness or lack of lovability. And sometimes their light source ends up shining so brightly because in some ways they've overcome it, or they've learned to live with it, or they've learned to hide it, they've created some kind of coping mechanism that allows them both to shine their light very, very brightly, and to have just those few little questions underneath, and that becomes the energetic tie that brings them both together.

The empath becomes this beautiful light source who would do anything for anybody, with this deep seeded insecurity, and the narcissist has this massive ego and belief in their perfection, and also the deep seeded insecurity.

Then there comes those behaviors within the relationship.

Often, what will happen is the empath starts to look at some of the behaviors that are displayed by the narcissist and question it, and what the narcissist hasn't had is questioning of those behaviors because previously they were told that they were perfect. They were the ideal child. They were the golden child. They could do no wrong.

Now all of a sudden in this conditional love relationship, because let's face it all love relationships have conditions that need to be met within them, whether that be monogamy, or respect ,or the way, the behaviors that are accepted within that relationship, there are conditions.

However, the narcissist doesn't want to have their flaws highlighted, or have the light shown on their flaws. They want to maintain that belief in their own egoic perfection. But a love relationship does not work like that.

And the more that the light bearer gets hurt the more, that light flickers towards the narcissist.

The more regularly they are hurt, the longer that light stays off for before it then gets tentatively shone, and then the next hurt happens the light goes off, comes back on, it becomes more like a strobe effect, and then to, a light goes off, light goes on.

What then starts to happen is the narcissist will start to try and draw the light out because their energy source is being interrupted. So, this is where some of those behaviors come in. Some of those attacks, and then retreat, attack and retreat. The stonewalling, where they literally put a wall up between themselves and their lover.

Those gaps in the relationship then make the light bearer question what is going on? They start to deeply question whether they imagined things, whether that happened, and the narcissist is often saying, "Well, it's your fault because I'm perfect. It's your fault because I do this. It's your fault because I can do no wrong". Even if they're not using those exact words.

And so with that constant story, the empath, or the narcissist's partner, really deeply starts to wonder if it is them. It's that whole thing that the more we get told something, the more we believe it is true.

And so this light source, not just flickers but also ends up dimming and is less potent for the narcissist in their receptivity of it.

And then you see these barbs of energy, so to speak where the narcissist will attack the empath and then deny that they've attacked them, the whole gas lighting aspect, and what it is, if you imagine these sticky, almost tentacles or hooks, being almost trying to grab the light and pull it out, even if the energy that's coming back, isn't light energy anymore. They just need to feel a connection whether good or bad, almost like a toddler doesn't know whether they're getting good or bad behavior. Neither does the narcissist, they don't care they just want the energy source.

And I found this really interesting to start to look at from that energetic perspective, because it takes some of the blame out and it really lays bare the conditioning that the narcissist has to behave in the way that they have, and also why the empath is shining the light, and then taking it away, and then shining the light, and taking it away.

It explains the love bombing. It is that way for the narcissist to try and grab that light source that they initially fell in love with. The stonewalling then often what you find is because the empath wants to prove that they exist, that they can be seen and heard, because when you're behind that stonewall, sometimes you feel like you're going crazy, you feel like you don't exist. You feel like you are on a different plane.

And what will happen then is the empath will start some drama to try and drag the narcissist back. Because in some ways they too need the energy from that relationship to validate what they're thinking and feeling.

And so the drama ends up going both ways. There are these hooks and cords and toxic behaviors that go a bit like a ping pong match over the big wall that is growing between the couple.

And this can go on for years.

Likewise that initial stage with the empath shining the light and being the light source purely for that narcissist can also go on for years.

Because when that narcissist has a steady light source it's amazing how much they can actually do in that time, and how long they can hold it together for before showing that true behavior that sits underneath.

And this is part of the reason that we say that narcissists are raised and not born. Sociopaths and psychopaths tend to be born. They tend to be born with those traits. They tend to be born without empathy. However, narcissists tend to be raised by somebody else being their light source, somebody else being their energy field.

And I find that a really fascinating thing to really understand the depths of that human conditioning and human behavior. And it takes some of the blame off pretty much everyone involved. It allows us to understand at a deeper level what's going on. And it's not to say it's right or wrong.

These relationships are damaging, they are crazy-making. They are scary. They're abusive.

When we get to the far end of the narcissism spectrum, we start going into sociopathy. And for me, the biggest difference between a narcissist and a sociopath, is that the sociopath derives joy from the pain they are inflicting whereas the narcissist is often acting from an unconscious subconscious programming system that is driving their behaviors forward. And it really does come down to that belief in their perfection.

Now, whilst the empath in relationship with them is buying into that belief of their perfection or at least pretending to buy into that belief of that perfection then the narcissist can carry on with their life and be quite fine with it.

You'll find that this is often also why narcissist can only hold jobs for so long. They end up changing careers or they change friend groups quite regularly because, they can only hold it together for so long before little signs and signals of their behavior start becoming more public.

This energetic patterning is really why those two groups are so intricately emmeshed.

There is a deep seeded insecurity in both. A deep seeded, lack of worthiness, or lack of lovability, sitting deep within them.

Now that we've discussed the energetics behind how narcissists are created, and the attractiveness between the empath and the narcissist, that connection that is formed, I want to talk a bit about the behaviour patterns, because whilst I had the information and knowledge of what those behaviors were described as, I think, now that I've worked with so many clients, who've been in similar relationships, and I've had my own experiences within narcissistic relationships, there's a different understanding.

There's more of a lived wisdom. And an embodied understanding. So I see it super clearly now.

The first one I want to talk about is stonewalling.

It's probably the one I found the most damaging and the hardest to deal with. Stonewalling is literally where you feel that the narcissist has built a stone wall between you and them. There is no energetic exchange either way, there is no communication, there is no connection. There is often no attention.

It honestly feels like you have the widest chasm in the world between you and the other person. And often this is where you find the empath really starting to arc up and create drama, because it can sometimes be the only way that they can breach that wall. It's like trying to get into somebody else's castle via a moat filled with crocodiles, and a big stone wall, and a drawbridge, and all the rest.

You are literally looking for any ammunition you've got to breach that, so that you feel seen, and heard, and real. Because one of the biggest things, when that Stonewall goes up, when they lock themselves in that castle, is you often don't feel like you exist anymore. You feel like you are an imaginary person, and it can be really scary and frightening, especially when all you are doing is looking for connection, you are looking for love, you are looking for acceptance.

Because that's actually something you never, ever get in these types of relationships.

And I remember getting a phone call from somebody once saying, "Is it normal that when we get into an argument, that love gets taken away, and I feel like I'm in this emotional void."

And I remember just saying to them, "I can't tell you what it feels like from your perspective, however, if you look up narcissistic personality disorder, you'll get an idea of what it is."

And I think that's it. As much as I don't like putting those labels on people, those labels exist to help us understand those behaviours.

And I think it really gave the person on the other end of the phone clarity. Certainly the next time we spoke they understood a bit deeper what they were experiencing.

That chasm of nothingness that goes between you when you're in a supposedly loving relationship, and let me just interject that narcissistic love is not love, but that's, I hope, being spoken for itself.

The next behavior I want to discuss is gaslighting. And gaslighting comes from that movie whereby the guy was playing with the thermostat and telling the woman she was crazy because she was imagining it, it was all in her head. And you get a lot of arguments like this coming from the other person.

Words and actions with a narcissist, very rarely align. There's always something a little bit out of kilter. And I would often find, and still do the, when you're speaking with a narcissist it's like the eyes, the windows to the soul, are blank. There's not quite that connection there, it's like they've got a mask up.

And the gas lighting comes in so many different forms.

I remember leaving a party one day and being told that my friends look at me like they just want me to shut the hell up, and maybe that's true, however, I questioned it with these friends after a few months of, uh, steering clear by the way. But I did question them eventually because I was so worried that my relationship was as toxic as it was, I felt like my friends were being driven away, and I really didn't want to lose these people.

And they turned around to me and said, "oh my God, that is not the case at all. That is not how we feel. You were having fun with us, and as far as we know, we were worse than you."

By me checking in, I saved myself a lot of heartache and I saved my friendships as well, which was amazing. Other times it doesn't work quite the same way.

In arguments, you will be asked to provide evidence for their past behavior. You'll be asked to provide evidence of when they've used those behaviors and proof that what you're saying is correct. But then when you provide that evidence, you are told that you're making it up, that you're crazy, that you hold onto the past, that you should be letting go of that by now, that you can't bring the past into a current relationship and a current argument. And then in the next breath, you'll be asked for more evidence to back up what you're saying.

When you give the evidence, it's that repeated cycle.

That kind of behavior is also under that gaslighting banner. It's you being told that you have got it wrong, that you are making it up, that it is your fault, that you should be ashamed of yourself, and so on and so forth. Those two were the biggest behaviours by far that both I have experienced and others that come to me experience.

The other one that can feel a lot more insidious is the separation of you from the people that you love and care about. So, often that will come in different guises. It can come from conversations in private about those relationships, about how unsupportive they are, about how unloving they are, about how people just don't care about you, and it makes you question the relationship. It makes you question what you know, and it starts to drive a wedge.

The other thing I would find is I would be pulled into one room. I would have all of this stuff about the people we were with offloaded onto me. The problems with their behavior. The disgust at the way that we were being treated. The comments about, well, this is wrong and that's wrong, and this isn't okay and that's not okay, and they're not thinking about me, and you need to think of me more. And then this person would walk out the room and act as though everything was fine because they had offloaded that energetic baggage onto someone else to carry.

And then when the person in the room, in this example me, would walk out, all of that energetic baggage would be on those shoulders. And then the behaviors would be displayed of reactiveness and defensiveness, and uptight tension. And part of it was because you're trying to read a situation where you don't have control over other people, but you're wanting control over their behaviors so that they don't trigger and activate more abuse coming your way, because the person you're with doesn't like the other people you're with.

And it's really stressful and it makes you want to see anybody outside the relationship, because you're constantly worrying about what they're going to do that's going to upset your partner, how your partner's going to take things.

And, it even spills into the children. Are the children going to behave in a way that is going to be okay, or are they not? How can you control their behavior so that you don't cop the outbursts, or so that you can protect your children from the outbursts? Even though a lot of those behaviors you can't control.

I know for me, it came down to a real feeling of micromanaging everything, but not knowing that I was doing it, because I felt so out of control in the really, really big things.

So they're three of the ways that it can present itself. I'm sure there are a myriad of other ways that it can be looked at. There's a lot of nuance that we can read into our own personal situation.

But hopefully in those examples, you've not just got an idea of the energetic aspect of the narcissist empath behaviour, but then also a few examples of the behaviours that get displayed.

If you've got any further questions about this or any other topic you'd like me to speak about, please message me, I would love to hear from you. And until next time I am sending you so much love.

Keep tapping into your divine.

Embracing your messy.

And loving your human experience as much as is possible.

Lots of love.​