I failed my challenge...

During this latest lockdown I set myself a challenge - to swim in the bay here in Melbourne daily until we re-open and I can get back into my clinic space for face to face sessions. Now, this may not seem a huge challenge to some, but with water temperatures around 12-14 degrees, trust me, it feels like a pretty big challenge to me. In “normal” times, even on 40 degree days, I rarely swim in ocean waters.

I managed to do 38 days consecutively, most days spending around 20 minutes in the cold water. I felt proud of myself, like a bit of a bad ass facing not only freezing temperatures, choppy waters, larger waves than I’ve swum in before and rain, but also really poor water quality.

Yesterday came and it was windy as hell, the seas were rough and instead of my usual 10km walk with my dog, I could only manage around half that in the terrible conditions. The whole walk I was looking at the water dreading the thought of going in.

If I’m honest, the weather wasn’t the problem. I’d woken up that morning and my body was tired, achingly so. I felt fragile, weaker than normal and emotionally spent.

This challenge had started for me as a suggestion from my partner when I hit a dark night of the soul not long after the start of the latest lockdown. My partner was worried about me as I’m usually much more resilient than I was appearing and he said it would help me get back in my body to presence. (He’d heard me suggest it to others on occasion so used my wisdom for my own good…don’t you hate it when people do that! 😏).

It was a Godess-send and has been ever since. I’ve remained more present and connected to my body, I’ve used the daily swim to cleanse my energetic field and my mind, and it’s been great for my circulatory system and lymphatic system. All huge wins!

Yesterday, I felt really conflicted. I knew I was feeling fragile, but I’d set myself this challenge. What to do?

The old me tried to pipe up many times - “I knew you wouldn’t stick with it”, “You don’t believe in yourself”, “You’re taking the easy road”…and many more negative comments besides.

The louder voice, however, was the one I’ve spent the last decade cultivating, loving and learning to trust implicitly:

“Listen to your body”

“You know what’s best for you”

“There’s no harm in taking a day off and coming back to it fresh another day, you’re not disappointing anyone, let alone yourself”

“You need the rest!”

My values have changed.

I am not as hard on myself as I once was.

I’m kinder and more compassionate to the woman who has been through so much and keeps on keeping on.

I’m less about striving for perfection.

On one hand, yes, I failed my challenge. I have not swum every day in the bay.

BUT, I honoured myself, my fragility and my tenderness. I gave myself the time and space to nurse myself gently through the downward ebb and I do not regret that one little bit.

What to me is more important?

Previously I’d have pushed through, strived to achieve the challenge and boasted about achieving it despite the lack of desire to do it. It would have become another notch, another victory, another bragging right.

Now, although challenges, goals and achievements are vital to my forward movement and personal growth, more important to me is what I’ve learned about my health, my body and my wellbeing.

Without honouring my feelings I am not living into my authenticity, I am not being brave and courageous, and I am certainly not walking my walk.

This is one challenge that I’m quite happy to say I didn’t quite achieve, because the cost of achieving it would have been too great.