Boundaries - Are they for you
A common theme I have seen in clinic over these past weeks is in relation to boundaries - the lack of knowing what they are, where they are and the fear of enforcing them. It has made me wonder where we have learned these behaviours.
A boundary is simply a line in the sand saying "this is ok and this is not" - it sounds so simple, right?
Years ago I struggled with boundaries. I would speak them, but still allow others to cross them and do as they please. I always believed that other people and their needs were more important than mine, that it was my job, somehow, to make and to keep them happy. I believed that what I wanted didn't matter, didn't count and certainly wasn't worth standing up for.
The absence of healthy boundaries led to me bottling up my true emotions, suppressing them, hiding them, pushing them down.....and then, of course, exploding over unrelated issues and making mountains out of the proverbial molehills. It led to destructive resentment spirals, unhappiness and borderline depression.
A lack of boundaries is an all too common trap and often hides a deep sense of insecurity, unworthiness and a self-belief of unloveability - and it stems from a place of fear, of not enough-ness.
I believe that its roots are based in our understanding of the words selfless and selfish. Selfless does what it says on the tin - it make us less of ourselves. It makes us small, it puts us last in line, it leads to resentment spirals and unhappiness. Selfishness is putting ourselves first despite the hurt it may cause others and can be equally damaging.
Self-full, however, is the perfect balance. It is the prioritisation of our self care to make sure that we have enough energy to keep ourselves loved, healthy and strong and then to give to others from our overflow. When we give from the overflow, we give with love, with compassion, with gratitude. We give from a place of contentment and calmness.
Early in the journey of finding our boundaries, we can experience trial and error. We need to play with what works for us, and with what doesn't. The main thing to keep top of mind, no matter our choice is:
"If you act in a loving way towards yourself, it is ALWAYS loving towards everyone else"
But ultimately, how do we know what our boundaries are? How do we start to find them if we've let them become so dissipated that they no longer provide reasonable resilience and containment?
We look to our values, our ideals and what resonates with our soul. Think of our languaging - "I've had a gut full", "I can't stomach that", "Shouldering burdens".... These choices in language give us huge clues to what we like, what we don't, what suits us and what rubs us the wrong way, what makes us feel good and what creates dis-ease.
Tune in, listen to your body, listen to your words and start to think about what you want rather then what you don't.
By setting and enforcing boundaries, we become more loving towards ourselves and that light shines out into the world, teaching others how to treat us and behave both around and towards us.
For more information, watch this amazing short video from the gorgeous Brene Brown - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BESvQB6J5rc