Apologies - what happens when they go wrong
The last few years have been tough. Really tough. There have been some of the highest highs as well as the lowest of lows. I had a select handful of friends that were amazing throughout all aspects of the journey. They supported and sometimes carried me through the troughs, and laughed and celebrated with me for the highs. They were my team, my tribe.
A few months back, I sent some apology letters to these beautiful friends with flowers and followed up with coffee dates to discuss the last couple of years. I apologised for having been so often stuck in my mire and unable to support them or to be the type of friend I had previously always prided myself on being.
I wanted to own all my shortcomings, to accept my failings and to improve my connection to them in a more meaningful and reciprocal way. I went deep into my heart and soul, vulnerably and openly owning my self-centred, survival based way of being during what was by far the toughest period I had ever gone through.
When we met face to face, I realised that the letters had not been as accepted as I had thought. That one of my dear friends had felt that rather than me owning all the admissions contained within the letter, that I had instead dumped all of the responsibility on her. I tried to explain and gain mutual understanding, but to no avail. I, of course, was devastated that I had caused further pain where I had been attempting to provide relief.
Over the next months we saw each other at social events, but this last couple of weeks when I had tried to text, there was no response. Apparently the hurt that my apology caused had done irreparable damage to our previously strong relationship.
I was shell shocked. I was devastated. I was heart broken.
As always when I get such feedback, I spent time going within, reflecting on my behaviour, my ownership of my failings and everything that I had said. It had arisen from such a soul-deep, heart-centred place of me owning that I had not shown up in those friendships the way I had desired, that I wanted to understand where the wires had crossed and the loveliness and openness had been lost.
So what can I get out of this situation? What is it that I need to learn? What lessons can I pass on to other people so that they too can learn from my mistake?
Take Away Lessons
I need to stand in my truth. I need to own my shortcomings and always work towards being the best me that I can be.
I need to know that it doesn't matter what is said or how it is said, people will receive it through the eyes of their experience, of where they are at the time, of their level of consciousness and with all the life filters engaged that are present in their life right now.
I have to know that once communications leave me, they are no longer in my control. They can be heard, mis-heard, understood, mis-understood, loved or hated. They can be a balm, or a barb, they can cut or they can soothe..... None of the reception is in my control.
I can aim to be conscious, aware and use all the tools that I have worked on and engaged over the past years but once those words and actions cross from my physical and non-physical fields into someone else's they are open to projection, mirroring, misunderstanding and interpretation.
I need to remain judgement free, accepting and validating of the way my words and actions make someone else feel whether intended or not.
So, would I change what I had done? No.
I stood in my power, owned everything that I had done and not done to nurture the friendship. I gave thanks and gratitude and promised to improve. The problem, once I was aware of how poorly I had acted, was never going to go away and I needed to step up and own my failings whole-heartedly and make changes and alterations so that it wouldn't happen again.
I will grieve the lost friendship, the lost connection and my part in irreparably damaging it. I hope that one day, my apology will be seen for what it was and that the growth I have gained out of this error will shine through. I will feel the sadness that those who walked with me through my trial will not get to see the woman emerging out the other side of this and how wonderful she is because of her strength, passion and commitment, but most of all because of her shadows.
Where to next? I will welcome in and focus on my new tribe. Looking back serves little purpose and regrets are a hard and heavy burden to carry. I will continue to send Metta* every day for healing and know that it is being received and working to heal the wounds I created with my apology.
Here's to learning lessons, growth and change, emerging from the cocoon and spreading the wings to fly.
* Metta is a healing prayer of unconditional love for all beings. Say it with "I" first, then replace the "I" with names of people you want to send healing to, or all beings to send healing to every being on the planet.
May I (all beings) be peaceful
May I (all beings) be happy
May I (all beings) be safe
May I (all beings) awaken to the light of their true nature
May I (all beings) be free